My paradoxical church

I went to church yesterday for the first time in 2 months, and I think I’ve come away even more confused about everything.

I was there because it was my turn to do the reading, and I really enjoyed it. I want to participate in services, to read from the Bible, to share knowledge and views. When it came to communion, there was the sense of sharing something with others, of coming together. This is also what I’m looking for.

And yet, as I sat and watched what was going on around me, I felt an unease. Everyone was just sat in the pews, reading from the order of service when instructed, standing and sitting when instructed, modern songs being played on an organ with a choir made it all surreal. It was like a movie, set in a quiet village where everything seems normal but hides a dark secret where it’s slowly being taken over by aliens and everything feels just a bit off. Even the impromptu clapping to a hymn at the end seemed forced; it didn’t help that the tune reminded me of Russian dancing:

I understand the need for order and structure, and the service gave everything that you would expect. It did seem a little bit of service by numbers, praise can’t be scripted but I’m not sure what else I thought would happen. Church seems to be a bit of a paradox to me at the moment.

Tensing up around God

Anyone who has followed my posts for sometime will know that I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder a couple of years ago. Basically I get very down and just want hide around this time every year. Last year was marginally short of hell, but this year has been much better. I’m not on medication this time, I got the light box out earlier than last year, I have a game to play which gets me outside a lot; I’m just managing it better all round (yay for me)

A few years ago though, I injured my knee in a martial arts training accident and whilst I’ve had issues on and off ever since, it’s been causing me a lot of pain of late. This means I can’t go walking as much, I can’t play darts, I can’t continue martial arts training which means being inside more. Add to that the possibility of surgery (something the doctor still has not ruled out) the prospect of keeping it together is looking bleak. So when at church a few weeks ago when I got prayer for healing, my thoughts were on the impact the injury would have on me getting through this period. As I went into last month, I wasn’t healed and many of the questions I raised then I’m still wrestling with now [1].

I had a thought on the train home last night. Even I don’t end up having surgery, it’s going to be a long while before I can get back to fitness to continue my martial arts (and darts, I miss playing darts) It’s quite likely God has answered my prayer; I’m coping with this time of year better whilst I get my knee sorted. He’s got that situation covered. Sounds great and it is very comforting knowing God is with me. It’s at this point though I begin to taste my own hypocrisy. At the moment, any time I hear “God says” or “it happens for a reason”, I tense up to the point of cringing. Any time I hear “the Bible says…” I tense up to point of cringing (maybe Stephanie Drury is rubbing off on me). I’ve just heard these expressions used to justify so much hate that it’s dampened the times when it’s used for love and beauty to the point that I’m probably borderline cynical about it being used at any point. Stories like the pastor who instead of leaving a tip, left a homophobic comments don’t help matters [2]. Christians really don’t do themselves any favours; oh I wish some would just stay quiet.

I think it all has clouded and affected my relationship with Christ in many ways. I can’t look at the Bible without previous arguments over women and the LGBT community and inerrancy ringing through my head. I’m not entirely sure what the Bible is anymore [3]. It all gets very muddled in my head. I haven’t been to church for a few weeks now, preferring time to myself and with the XBox.  Sometimes I feel like just walking away from the whole thing as it seems my life would be a lot easier. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if I just walked away and did what I wanted without the baggage that comes with being a Christian. Yet something Dr. Michael Licona said to me keeps coming back:

If Jesus rose from the dead then Christianity is true, even it it were to turn out that there were some things in the Bible that aren’t true. The truth of Christianity is not based on the divine inspiration or inerrancy of the Bible, its contingent on whether Jesus rose from the dead and if Jesus rose game, set, match! [4]

I know I have issues regarding anger, forgiveness and distraction to work through, there’s probably many underlying issues and questions that trouble me. I know I have problems with the church , I know that if I don’t get to church, I probably need to spend less time on the XBox and put on one of my favourite apologists/theologians. This seems to becoming a popular way of “doing church” [5]. This does require getting my head straight and not allowing myself to be distracted for long periods. They say admitting you have a problem is the first (and hardest) step. Maybe I don’t have problems though, maybe this is just who I am at this moment in time and I need to accept that. I’ve wrestled with the nature of me for a long time and me can be very blunt and forthright.

I have great friends, a great fiance and a great God. Maybe it’s time to find that fire once more.

 

References:

[1] https://christianonthefrontline.wordpress.com/2013/10/13/me-on-the-edge/

[2] http://www.huffingtonpost.com/justin-lee/are-christians-christianitys-worst-enemies_b_2586339.html

[3] https://christianonthefrontline.wordpress.com/2013/11/06/i-dont-know-what-i-think-about-the-bible/

[4] http://www.evidence2hope.com/apps/podcast/podcast/304881

[5] http://www.redletterchristians.org/church-go-jay-bakker-virtual-pastor/

The out of reach Jesus

This is something that’s been on my mind for a while, but I’ve never known how to articulate my thoughts. I’m still not sure how to express them fully, but I’m going to give it a try, so here goes nothing.

I’ve often struggled with my relationship with God. I suffer from spells of doubt, anxiety and question whether it’s even possible to know God. I’ve been thinking about why I feel these things. When I talk to other Christians, I’m presented with a Jesus who simply sits on a throne, watches the world go by and when people come to Him, He offers them a Bible and says “here you go,just follow this and if you get it wrong, hell awaits you”. I’m supposed to be grateful to Him for saving me, yet beat myself up for being a lowly sinner and fear punishment. So not only is He perceived as a God that’s unknowable, even if He wasn’t, I’m not sure that He’s a God I’d want to know anyway. I thought it was about relationship, I don’t follow people out of fear.

But this is God’s world – He made it for Himself to share with us. In His storytelling, He used universal objects like lamps and coins, and concepts like Shepherds’ to help Him to explain His message. But when I try to do this, when I try to explain the concept of God to a 21st Century mind, I get criticized and get labelled as a ‘blasphemer’. If I bring Jesus to my level, to find some way of relating to Him (kind of an important in a relationship), the same accusations are reeled out. His divinity is talked up but his humanity is played down. The complete human part of Jesus gets left out of the fully God, fully human description. Even Paul talks about “the man God appointed” (Acts17:31) It’s humanity that I can relate to, it’s people who are important for me when building relationships. Christians shouldn’t be surprised to hear “you don’t want to know us? Fine, then we don’t want to know you!”, because sadly, this negative view of Christianity is coming from Christians making it clear that they want nothing to do with people ‘outside of their circle’. Hearing the phrase “you’re in this world but not of it” will do that to people.

Jesus is not the kind of person to sit up on His high horse and point His finger in command. No. He wants to get in with the people, in the communities, in the homes, to share the troubles and to guide. I often see Jesus sitting next to me on the train, or holding my hand whilst the maniacal dentist with the drill goes to work on my teeth. This isn’t the spirit there or some other messenger, but Jesus himself – it seems odd that, sometimes, when we pray, we invite the Holy Spirit to come and not Jesus.

Worship Him as Lord; I’m not saying otherwise, but don’t remove Him from the place He put Himself in. He doesn’t force Himself on us and may just actually let us have it our way. What’s important; raving about God’s holiness and using it as a weapon to demean others, or devote ourselves to building up a relationship with Him and, by doing so, learn of His amazing love and how we can pass on that gift to others?

First published 28th June 2013

The questioning church

This is a piece that was published in the magazine that is distributed to churches in my local area.

 

I love questions. When I get into a topic I’m passionate about they seem to flow almost endlessly. I feel part of my calling is to help others with their questions and I’m very passionate about that too. It’s why I set up my website to help with these questions, but more on that in a bit. There’s no such thing as a stupid question or one that is off limits to me. What I’m finding though is that people think there are limits or impose limits or the question or how far you can push the question. In virtually every instance it’s been to do with the Bible.

I don’t know a single Christian who doesn’t take the Bible seriously, but we don’t all treat it the same. A common stock answer is “well the Bible says……?” to pretty much any question. That’s great, if the question is “what does the Bible say about….?” But often the questions are to do with making sense of what the Bible says, telling me what it says doesn’t answer the question of “what do I do with this?” or “what does it mean?” It’s at this point though, when barriers start being formed and hit. If you continue to ask questions after being told what the Bible says, then it’s deemed that you don’t trust the Bible. Elizabeth Prata went as far as saying;

“To continue to ask questions about a subject once you have learned what the bible says on it is blasphemy because by then you’re not genuinely wondering about your understanding of the topic, you are directly questioning God.” [1]

If you want to find the quickest way to turn people away from church, use the above line. There may be people who simply don’t want to question things (which is another issue in itself) but suggesting Christians are being blasphemous because they ask questions is likely to stifle people’s faith or worse. We want to avoid blasphemy so people think it’s best to stay quiet. If you have unanswered questions and you simply remain quiet, those unanswered will continue to burrow under your faith until it eventually collapses.  I think Galileo nailed it when he said “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with senses, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use” but Jesus beat him to it. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ (Matthew 22:37).  In other words, love God with everything you have. Confidence comes from knowledge. When you dedicate yourself to learning a subject, you feel confident to answer any question and it should be the same with our faith. The more you learn, the more your mind is renewed (see Romans 12:2)

I think churches need to develop a culture of being much more open to questions, encouraging questions, being more able to answer questions and not limiting the questions to the ones they’ve predetermined to be acceptable (people have been expelled from churches for asking the wrong questions) Atheists are not slow in raising questions, we need to be ready to answer them. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. (1 Peter 3:15) Faith is not believing just because you want it to be true. That’s blind faith and no where is that advocated by Jesus or anywhere in the Bible.

If you’re struggling with an issue or topic, then it’s worth talking about and wrestling with. Don’t worry though if you come to a different conclusion than other people. If you get challenged, be prepared to give an answer (that passage doesn’t just apply to defending against atheists) but if you have a different view, so be it. If you come across someone with a different view, don’t assume it’s because they’ve not prayed enough or just caving in to be popular. It’s massively unhelpful and just plain wrong. Many people’s journeys have been painful and they’ve got scars along the way, but they have been wrestling with scripture and praying; they’ve just come to a different conclusion.

If you have questions, grab your pastor or vicar and ask them (actually grabbing them is optional) If a few of you have questions, have a house group and wrestle through the questions, invite someone to come and join in with you if you need a starting point (that’s me volunteering). If you run a youth group or are involved in youth, encourage them to ask questions, engage in answering questions, engage in the big issues. This is part of what we are called to do.

References

[1] http://the-end-time.blogspot.ca/2013/07/rachel-held-evans-asks-what-if-my-son.html?