Anyone who has followed my posts for sometime will know that I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder a couple of years ago. Basically I get very down and just want hide around this time every year. Last year was marginally short of hell, but this year has been much better. I’m not on medication this time, I got the light box out earlier than last year, I have a game to play which gets me outside a lot; I’m just managing it better all round (yay for me)
A few years ago though, I injured my knee in a martial arts training accident and whilst I’ve had issues on and off ever since, it’s been causing me a lot of pain of late. This means I can’t go walking as much, I can’t play darts, I can’t continue martial arts training which means being inside more. Add to that the possibility of surgery (something the doctor still has not ruled out) the prospect of keeping it together is looking bleak. So when at church a few weeks ago when I got prayer for healing, my thoughts were on the impact the injury would have on me getting through this period. As I went into last month, I wasn’t healed and many of the questions I raised then I’m still wrestling with now .
I had a thought on the train home last night. Even I don’t end up having surgery, it’s going to be a long while before I can get back to fitness to continue my martial arts (and darts, I miss playing darts) It’s quite likely God has answered my prayer; I’m coping with this time of year better whilst I get my knee sorted. He’s got that situation covered. Sounds great and it is very comforting knowing God is with me. It’s at this point though I begin to taste my own hypocrisy. At the moment, any time I hear “God says” or “it happens for a reason”, I tense up to the point of cringing. Any time I hear “the Bible says…” I tense up to point of cringing (maybe Stephanie Drury is rubbing off on me). I’ve just heard these expressions used to justify so much hate that it’s dampened the times when it’s used for love and beauty to the point that I’m probably borderline cynical about it being used at any point. Stories like the pastor who instead of leaving a tip, left a homophobic comments don’t help matters . Christians really don’t do themselves any favours; oh I wish some would just stay quiet.
I think it all has clouded and affected my relationship with Christ in many ways. I can’t look at the Bible without previous arguments over women and the LGBT community and inerrancy ringing through my head. I’m not entirely sure what the Bible is anymore . It all gets very muddled in my head. I haven’t been to church for a few weeks now, preferring time to myself and with the XBox. Sometimes I feel like just walking away from the whole thing as it seems my life would be a lot easier. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if I just walked away and did what I wanted without the baggage that comes with being a Christian. Yet something Dr. Michael Licona said to me keeps coming back:
If Jesus rose from the dead then Christianity is true, even it it were to turn out that there were some things in the Bible that aren’t true. The truth of Christianity is not based on the divine inspiration or inerrancy of the Bible, its contingent on whether Jesus rose from the dead and if Jesus rose game, set, match! 
I know I have issues regarding anger, forgiveness and distraction to work through, there’s probably many underlying issues and questions that trouble me. I know I have problems with the church , I know that if I don’t get to church, I probably need to spend less time on the XBox and put on one of my favourite apologists/theologians. This seems to becoming a popular way of “doing church” . This does require getting my head straight and not allowing myself to be distracted for long periods. They say admitting you have a problem is the first (and hardest) step. Maybe I don’t have problems though, maybe this is just who I am at this moment in time and I need to accept that. I’ve wrestled with the nature of me for a long time and me can be very blunt and forthright.
I have great friends, a great fiance and a great God. Maybe it’s time to find that fire once more.